The Change Triangle: Your Roadmap to Emotional Wellness
The Change Triangle: Your Roadmap to Emotional Wellness
In our journey toward emotional health, we often find ourselves stuck in patterns that keep us from fully experiencing and processing our emotions. The Change Triangle, developed by psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel, offers a practical framework for understanding our emotional responses and finding our way back to our authentic core emotions. As a tool used in various therapeutic approaches, including Emotionally Focused Therapy, the Change Triangle can help us navigate our internal emotional landscape with greater awareness and compassion.
What is the Change Triangle?
The Change Triangle is a map that illustrates the relationship between three categories of emotional experience:
Core Emotions (at the bottom of the triangle): These are our innate, universal emotions that are hardwired from birth and serve important functions for survival and connection. They include fear, anger, sadness, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement.
Inhibitory Emotions (at the top left of the triangle): These are emotions that block or inhibit our core emotions, including anxiety, shame, and guilt.
Defenses (at the top right of the triangle): These are the coping mechanisms we develop to avoid feeling both core and inhibitory emotions. Defenses include behaviors like people-pleasing, intellectualizing, withdrawing, numbing with substances, or excessive use of technology.
At the center of the triangle is the Openhearted State of the Authentic Self - a calm, curious, connected, compassionate, and clear state of being.
Why the Change Triangle Matters
When we are disconnected from our core emotions, we often end up in cycles of anxiety, shame, or defensive behaviors that can harm our relationships and overall wellbeing. Learning to navigate the Change Triangle helps us:
. Recognize when we are in defensive or inhibitory states
. Connect with our genuine core emotions
. Process emotions in a healthy way
. Return to our authentic self
How to Use the Change Triangle in Daily Life
Step 1: Notice Where You Are on the Triangle
Start by simply noticing your current state. Ask yourself:
. Am I feeling anxious, ashamed, or guilty right now? (Inhibitory emotions)
. Am I in a defensive state - intellectualizing, numbing out, or people-pleasing? (Defenses)
. Am I experiencing a core emotion like sadness, anger, or joy?
. Am I in my calm, connected authentic self?
Step 2: Get Curious, Not Judgmental
Whatever you discover, approach it with curiosity rather than judgment. If you are in a defensive or inhibitory state, that is okay - these are natural protective mechanisms. Simply noticing where you are is the first step toward having a choice about where you go next.
Step 3: Move Down the Triangle
If you notice you are experiencing anxiety, shame, or guilt, or using defenses, gently guide yourself toward your core emotions:
1. Take a few deep breaths to create space
2. Ask yourself: "What am I really feeling underneath this anxiety/shame/defense?"
3. Scan your body for physical sensations that might point to core emotions
4. Name the core emotion(s) you are experiencing
Step 4: Stay with Core Emotions
Once you have identified a core emotion, try to stay with it rather than jumping quickly to "fix" it:
1. Notice where you feel the emotion in your body
2. Allow the sensations to be there without resistance
3. Validate the emotion: "It makes sense that I feel sad/angry/afraid right now.”
4. Remember that core emotions naturally rise, peak, and pass if we do not block them
Step 5: Return to the Authentic Self
After processing core emotions, we often naturally return to our openhearted state of the authentic self. From this place, we can respond to situations with clarity, compassion, and wisdom rather than reactivity.
A Real-Life Example
Let us see how this might work in practice:
Situation: Your partner criticizes you for forgetting an important appointment.
Defense reaction: You immediately become defensive and counter-criticize your partner for their own forgetfulness.
Using the Change Triangle:
1. You notice you are in a defensive state
2. You pause and breathe to create space
3. You tune into your body and notice a knot in your stomach and tightness in your chest
4. You recognize underlying shame ("I feel like I'm not good enough") and anger ("I feel attacked")
5. You allow yourself to feel these emotions without acting on them
6. From your authentic self, you might then say: "I'm feeling hurt by the criticism, and I'm also disappointed in myself for forgetting. Let's talk about how we can both support each other better."
Benefits of Working with the Change Triangle
Consistent practice with the Change Triangle can lead to profound shifts in your emotional wellbeing:
. Increased emotional awareness and literacy
. Reduced anxiety and reactivity
. More authentic connections with others
. Greater self-compassion
. Improved ability to respond rather than react
. Enhanced resilience during difficult times
Getting Started
The Change Triangle is simple in concept but powerful in practice. Here are some ways to begin incorporating it into your life:
1. Draw the triangle and keep it somewhere visible as a reminder
2. Set emotion check-ins throughout your day to notice where you are on the triangle
3. Journal about your experiences using the triangle as a map
4. Practice with a trusted friend or therapist who can provide support and feedback
5. patient and compassionate with yourself - this is a skill that develops over time
Remember, the goal is not to eliminate inhibitory emotions or defenses - they serve important protective functions. Rather, the aim is to develop awareness of these patterns so you can choose when to move toward core emotions and your authentic self.
The Change Triangle offers not just a map for understanding our emotional landscape, but a path toward living with greater authenticity, connection, and wholeness. By learning to navigate this triangle, we develop the capacity to experience the full range of our emotions without being overwhelmed by them - and that is the heart of emotional wellness.
The Change Triangle is a powerful therapeutic tool developed by Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, and is explored in depth in her groundbreaking book "It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self" (Random House, 2018). This framework draws on concepts from Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) and provides a practical approach to understanding our emotional experiences. To learn more about the Change Triangle and Hendel's work, visit her website at hilaryjacobishendel.com or explore her book, which offers additional exercises and insights for emotional healing.
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